How and When to Tell a Child They’re Autistic: A Parent’s Guide

If your child has an autism diagnosis, you may wonder how and when to tell them. Experts agree that telling your child sooner rather than later is typically best. Knowing that they’re autistic helps your child understand their differences and have a positive self-view. It also empowers them to advocate for themselves. 

Key takeaways

• Children should be told about their autism diagnosis sooner rather than later.

• Autistic children of all ages should have access to language and ideas that help them understand who they are.

• Autism is a form of neurodivergence. An autistic person’s brain works differently than what society considers “typical.” Neurodivergence is not positive or negative; it’s another way of relating to the world.

• When talking to your child, don’t assume the conversation will be negative! Children often already know they are different, and it can be helpful to have a way to understand that.

• Be sure to adjust the conversation to your child’s level, focus on their strengths, and explain that the diagnosis will help them get the support they need for any challenges.

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At what age should I tell my child they are autistic?

An autism diagnosis can feel like a big label, with lots of questions surrounding it. So it makes sense that parents and caregivers may wonder how and when to talk to their child about it.

Experts agree that after a diagnosis, children should be told sooner rather than later. Autistic children of all ages should have access to language and ideas that help them make sense of who they are.

Research backs this up. For example, in a 2022 study, 78 autistic university students at the College of Staten Island in New York were asked about their age when they were told they were autistic. The findings showed that overall, telling kids about autism when they were younger helped them have a more positive outlook about themselves while growing up. They had a better understanding of who they were, which can allow autistic people to be more comfortable with themselves. 

Another study focused on autistic children and young adults ages 8-25. Researchers found that youth awareness of their diagnosis was linked to improved self-advocacy skills, better awareness of their own personal strengths and weaknesses, and other benefits.

Explaining neurodivergence to your child

Autism can be explained in terms of brain differences. People whose brains work differently than what society considers “normal,” or neurotypical, are considered neurodivergent. “Neurodiversity” refers to the idea that everyone’s brains work differently, and these differences are natural. 

Autism is a form of neurodivergence. Other examples of neurodivergence include conditions such as ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia, sensory processing disorder, Tourette syndrome, and more. Neurodivergent people may have differences in communication, learning, social preferences, and behavior. 

“My mother said my brain worked differently, and I thought that was a good explanation.”

For autistic people, this may include social communication differences, sensory differences, and delayed language development. “As an autistic child gets older, it’s normal for them to start picking up on these differences,” says Ciara Smith-Vazquez, M.S., CCC-SLP, a speech-language pathologist with Expressable specializing in autism. “Having a loving caregiver explain things to them will set kids up for success in understanding, accepting, and loving themselves.”

Steven Kapp, a lecturer at the University of Portsmouth in England, was part of the College of Staten Island study. He was 13 when he learned he was autistic. As he said, “My mother said my brain worked differently, and I thought that was a good explanation.”

How to tell your child they are autistic

First, do your own research. Think about how you want to explain autism and talk to your child about their strengths and differences in a positive way. It can help to read books or listen to podcasts, especially those by autistic people.

As your child’s caregiver, you know them best. Find a time when you’re both relaxed and ready for a conversation. Make sure there’s enough time for any questions they might have. “And keep in mind, this doesn’t have to be a formal sit-down that starts with ‘We need to talk.’ That may set a negative tone,” says Smith-Vazquez.

Here are some other ways to prepare:

Go in with an open mind. Don’t assume the conversation will be negative! Children often already know they are different. Not knowing why can lead them to think that something is “wrong” with them. Learning that they’re autistic can help them understand characteristics they’ve probably already seen in themselves.

Take the time to really listen to what they say in their responses. Answer any questions they have. And if you’re unsure of something, let them know you’re learning, too, and you’ll find the answer.  

Find an opportunity when the topic naturally comes up. Let’s say your child starts asking questions like, “Why do my friends not have to go to speech therapy?” or “Why do I have to talk to the counselor at school?” This is a good time to be open with your child. You can talk to them about what autism is, how it affects them, and what it looks like for them day to day. 

What if your child asks these questions when there isn’t time to talk? Say you’re in the car getting close to school. Try something like, “That’s a great question. I’m so glad you asked. Let’s talk more after school!” When it’s time for the conversation later, remind your child, “Hey, remember when you asked about why you have to go to speech therapy? Let’s talk about it.”

Adjust the conversation for your child’s level. A 5-year-old’s level of understanding will likely be different from a 15-year-old’s. Think about your child’s age, as well as their developmental and language abilities.

“For younger children, you might say that autism is simply part of who they are, explaining that everyone’s brain works a little differently,” Smith-Vazquez says. “For a teen, they may already know about autism from classmates or social media. They may be ready for a more in-depth explanation of what autism is and how it affects them.”

“Children often already know they are different. Not knowing why can lead them to think that something is ‘wrong’ with them.”

Talk about your child’s strengths, along with what might be hard for them. Explain that their challenges aren’t their fault. Give concrete examples—maybe your child is sensitive to crowded spaces, or has a tough time talking with other kids. Explain that this diagnosis will help them get the support they need. Be sure to stress that you’re there to help them every step of the way. 

Keep in mind that this is an ongoing conversation. Your child will probably have questions—and lots more questions over time, as well. This is to be expected, and it gives you the chance to continue to communicate and connect. “Don’t worry about fitting everything into this one conversation! Let them know that you’re here any time they want to talk,” Smith-Vazquez says.

Include a counselor or health care provider. Some caregivers may want to include a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist when telling their child about autism. This option works well for some families, so talk with your child’s health care provider if you’d like to set up a meeting.

Do something fun after (or during) the conversation! You could have a meal at their favorite restaurant, go for ice cream, visit a park, or play a game or do a craft together. 

Benefits to telling your child they are autistic at a younger age

As mentioned above, don’t assume that telling your child they are autistic will be negative. It can help your child better understand themselves and their strengths and differences. 

Remember, neurodivergence is not positive or negative—it’s simply another way of relating to the world. “There is nothing ‘wrong’ with the brains of autistic people,” Smith-Vazquez says. “In fact, there are many strengths that can be associated with autism.” Those strengths might include: 

• Focus and attention to detail

• Deep expertise in favorite topics

• Creativity 

• Strong long-term memory

• Inventive problem-solving skills

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Alexis Irazoque, M.S., CCC-SLP

Another reason to tell your child that they are autistic sooner is that they’ll start to learn how to advocate for themselves. When they understand their differences and why they have them, kids can feel more confident speaking up. For example, if they’re having a tough time in a classroom because of sensory differences, they’ll know how to express what they need. Many autistic children receive formalized support in school, called an Individualized Education Program (IEP). As they get older, they can communicate their needs to teachers and support staff, and even weigh in on their IEP accommodations. Autistic kids may also find support in autistic role models and in meeting other autistic children. Shared experiences and a listening ear from other kids can make a big difference. In fact, research shows that autistic youth who are involved with support groups have better self-esteem and acceptance of their diagnosis.

Find a speech therapist experienced with autism

At Expressable, we support autistic children for who they are, celebrate their strengths, and help them build new skills. We provide neurodiversity-affirming speech therapy for autistic people of all ages, from toddlers to adults.

Not only are we experts in communication, but we can help you navigate these conversations with your child. We are here to empower you and your child! Get matched with a speech therapist who’s experienced in supporting autistic people and their families.

An important note: We believe that when speaking about any community as a whole, the best approach is to prioritize that community’s voices, needs, and preferences. Within the larger autism community, the current language preference is identity-first (e.g., "autistic child" rather than "child with autism"), which is why we use that language. Expressable is committed to listening to and learning from the populations we serve. If and when their preferences change, we’ll adjust our approach accordingly.