Abby Barnes, M.S., CCC-SLP
For some children, making friends is a breeze. They naturally seem to interact well with their peers. Other kids might need a little help along the way.
Healthy friendships are an important part of childhood development–not to mention a fun part of growing up! Let’s explore the social communication skills needed for making and keeping friends. We’ll share tips for helping your child develop these social skills, as well as what to do if you suspect your child may have a social language delay.
The social skills needed for making friends
Friendship requires many different social skills, and these can change as your child grows. The skills needed at age 5 may seem simpler than the social skills a 16-year-old needs.
However, there are some social communication skills that are important no matter a child’s age. Let’s take a look.
An ability to connect and interact
Whether it’s with a simple comment or a lengthy conversation, two people have to interact in some way to start forming a friendship. For younger kids, it may sound like this: “I like your toy dinosaur. Let’s play together!” For older kids, it may involve finding a shared interest, like a video game or musician, and starting to talk about that.
Conversational skills
Along those lines, general conversational skills are important. There should be a back-and-forth in the conversation, with each person getting to speak and state their ideas and thoughts. This requires someone to ask a question or make a comment, and the other person to respond.
An ability to identify feelings
Being able to tell how someone is feeling is also key in making friendships. This is often done by noticing someone’s nonverbal cues: their facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language. If a child is sad, having a friend come along to say “What’s wrong?” helps form a connection. The same is true if a child can tell that a friend is excited about their birthday or a soccer game win.
Expressing empathy
Being able to identify how someone feels can help kids learn to express empathy. This skill develops over time as kids grow. Eventually they’ll learn to say things like, “I’m so sorry that happened,” “I’m sad you feel sad,” or “I’m so excited for you!” The complexity of this skill increases as kids get older, but they can begin learning early stages of it in their younger years.
3 ways to help your child learn social skills
Some kids easily develop the social skills needed for friendships. Others may need some guidance and discussion from you. Here are some things parents can do to help their child more easily make friends.
1 Model social skills yourself
Think about your interactions with your own friends, with other adults, and even with your child. Are you showing your child how to take turns in a back-and-forth conversation, ask engaging questions, or respond attentively when someone needs you? When you respond to your child’s needs warmly, or express empathy with how they’re feeling, this helps them learn to do the same for others.
2 Involve your child in role-playing
Make up situations with your child and then role-play them together, walking through what your child could do or say. These could be scenarios such as starting a conversation with another child, asking them to play, or how to handle a disagreement among friends. Your child can play themself, and you play the friend.
Help prompt your child with what to say throughout the scene. Here’s an example using the topic of asking a friend to play:
You: We’re going to pretend like I’m a new friend at school. You may want to play with a new friend sometime. Can you tell me what you would say to ask me to play?
Your child: Let’s play!
You: That’s a great start! Let’s try asking me, the friend, if I want to play. How do you ask?
Your child: Do you want to play on the swings?
You: Yes I do! (That’s a great job asking!)
3 Provide opportunities for practice with other kids
Do your best to provide natural opportunities for your kids to play with others. This may mean going on playdates or meeting other children at the park. It’s important for kids to have chances to interact with other children. This helps them learn not only how to handle new social situations, but how to get more comfortable with them, as well.
What are some signs of a social communication disorder?
If your child is struggling with social skills, or they have trouble making friends, you may notice some of these signs:
Not understanding the concept of turn-taking when talking
Regularly interrupting or speaking over someone
Not able to interpret another person’s nonverbal cues, such as their facial expressions
Struggles to understand the main topic of a story or conversation
Difficulty staying on topic in a conversation
May have trouble answering questions related to the topic
Can't interpret jokes, riddles, or figures of speech
Keep in mind that all children are different, and it's important to talk with your pediatrician or a speech therapist if you have concerns about your child’s social communication.
How can speech therapy help with social skills?
If you think your child is struggling with social skills, a speech therapist can help. A speech and language evaluation is a great place to start. Your speech therapist can pinpoint the areas of communication where your child may need support.
A toddler might need to focus on early skills like joint attention and sharing through play therapy. An older child might learn how to understand facial expressions and take turns in conversation.
Social communication abilities are like a staircase. Each skill builds upon the ones before it. So without fundamental skills in place like the ones noted above, more complex demands–staying on topic in conversation, interpreting nonverbal cues, respecting personal space, knowing how to share appropriately online–may be hard for kids to master.
Speech therapy can help your child develop strategies to communicate more easily, make friends, and build their confidence. Check out this helpful resource for more information about social skills.
